Our children are not our own: Loss and life

For the last almost 3 years our family has walked through a lot of loss and unexpected hard things with friends.  We have always had a heart for adoption but the LORD used this losses to change our idea of what that would look like.  Yesterday I was reminded again why we said we would take a child even if they didn't stay forever.  And that is because our children our not our own they are the LORDS we are just entrusted with their care for a time.

So here is a little window into our past 3 years or so.  My husbands college pastor's 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with a rare form a cancer that wound up taking her life earlier this year.  A dear friend was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and passed away a few months later. I was with another friend while she labored and her daughter was born into the arms of Jesus. Then this year a dear friend was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia and she almost passed away more then once. A friend had a referral for and international adoption and before they were able to bring him home he went to be with the LORD.  And then most recently a friends child was given a diagnosis that was devastating about half way through her pregnancy.  He was born on Monday and they had wonderful hour with him before he went to be with the LORD.

Wow I look back at that and think how did all of that happen in such a short amount of time. I guess you might say "aren't you angry with God?"  I'm not mad, I do sometimes ask why, and then I remember this is a fallen world full of sickness and disease.  If the LORD answered me why I probably wouldn't understand.  I just need to trust him and lean on him. I try to remember the verse  "Jesus wept."  Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead yet he wept.

All of this loss has reminded my heart that my children belong to LORD that my husband belongs to the LORD.  My everything is the LORDS.  I need to savor each moment as if it were my last.  And in the midst of the tears to remember "Death has died and Love has won!"

I am thankful that one day there will be no more tears.  I am thankful that the LORD overcame death.  I am thankful that he grew babies in my tummy.  I am thankful that he placed babies in my home through adoption.  I am thankful he didn't tell me what that journey would have looked like or I might not have stepped out.  He has called us to put one foot in front of the other.  To treat every day as a gift.  And to not be afraid of death.

So today I will love my babies.  I will have parenthood parties on the oncology unit with my sweet friend.  I will care about the important things and not worry about the things that don't matter.  I will let go of religious rules and just love.  I won't try to be super-mom.  I will be vulnerable and real.  Today I will rebuke fear and step out in faith saying yes to wherever the LORD may lead.

I want to add that it is so often true that Joy and sorrow flow mingled down.  almost exactly two years ago our we received our first foster placement a baby boy.  We adopted him on July 26th of this year.  and in March his biological twin siblings were placed with us.  We will adopt them this month.  Friends had babies and many parties and celebrations were had as well.  God is good!  All the time God is good!

Below is a song that spoke to my heart yesterday in the middle of my grief.

It's not Safe

Sometime ago I listened to a sermon that Britt Merrick preached and in it he said it's not safe to follow Jesus.  He spoke about when a family friend was going on a mission trip and her started to write "be safe".  He said he stopped himself when he realized Jesus never called us to be safe in fact he called us to do quite the opposite.

As we have been walking this path of adoption Dustin and I have quickly realized that when we live a life that isn't safe it is full of lots of hurt but also lots of blessings.  As you have read in the past we started off the Journey looking for a "safe" adoption plan.  A child that was on the road to adoption with a low risk of going back.  As the LORD worked on our hearts we found ourselves saying it doesn't matter how long they will stay we will love them anyway.  We will love them with all we have and hold nothing back.

The LORD had used Britt and Kate Merrick to show us our children were a gift.  And that everyday we have with them is a gift.  A couple of weeks ago Britt and Kate's daughter Daisy (age 8) went to be with the LORD.  She has changed many lives across the world.  The LORD used her suffering through 4 cancer diagnosis for his glory.  We loved harder and more willingly as we watched this story unfold.  When I watched the memorial last Saturday it was full of laughter and tears.  They web cast it and I along with almost 4,000 others watched from home as they filled up the auditorium they had used in Santa Barbara.

Adoption is risky.  Following Jesus is risky.  But oh it's so worth it.  Because when you get that child in your arms you will know that God choose you to be their parent.  It maybe for a week or a month or maybe 65 years.  But he choose you to love them.  So don't be afraid if they may leave tomorrow or next week, just love them anyway.

When you encounter the birth parents love them with all you have.  They need your love too.  When you are dealing with social workers and Judges love them with all you have.  In the end love wins.  We need to not be afraid we just need to love everyone like Jesus.  You will never say I loved them too much.

To read more of Daisy's story you can visit Pray For Daisy

There is a blog and multiple videos including her memorial service.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous.  do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.

Dishes and Tears

Lot's of tears have been shed over the last 5 days but today a big wave hit my while doing the dishes.  The music was playing and the kids were having fun and giggling next to me on the floor.  From Friday's massacre of 20 innocent children and 7 adults, to Daisy Love Merrick I just couldn't keep them back.  I silently cried as the tears rolled down into the soapy water.  I pleaded with the LORD asking  him to heal Daisy Love and was gently reminded as I cried that he loved me and Daisy more then anyone ever could.

If you don't know Daisy's story she is an 8 year old girl who has just been diagnosed with two cancerous tumors for the 4th time in her short life.  She isn't just any 8 year old girl to us though.  Her dad was/is one of my husbands mentors.  He discipled my husband and taught him what it meant to be a man after God's own heart.  If you have met Britt you know he is a man after God's own heart and if you met my husband you can tell he is a good teacher.  Because of this Daisy holds an extra special place in our hearts along with her whole family.  Christmas 2011 we stood at church chatting with her mom (Kate) while Elijah Merrick played with the children.  She told us how happy she was that Daisy's cancer was gone (that was after the second diagnosis) yet she knew that all these treatments had taken a toll on her sweet body.  That image is burned in my mind as I held our 5 week old little boy that was born in our hearts.  At that same moment we told her how Daisy's story and their faith had given us the courage to take the steps that led us to him. My heart breaks on so many different levels.  For Daisy as her body aches and she starts chemo again knowing that her tumors are inoperable.  For Kate and Britt as I know as a mother and father how much they just want to take the pain away.  For her older brother who probably wishes he could take away the pain too.

In all of this I know that God is good and he is bigger then any tumor even when I don't have the faith to believe it.  This year at Christmas we will hold our little ones a little tighter and tell them we love them a little bit more.  We will remember that our children are not ours but that they belong to our Father in heaven who loves them so much more then we ever could.  And he will not forsake us.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

John 11:35 Jesus wept.

To read more of Daisy's story and witness her families incredible faith go here www.prayfordaisy.com

Unexpected Feelings

   Today is little man's b-day.  We were ready to celebrate.  We had a party planned and lots of people were coming.  It was joyous to wake up with our Big 1 year old.  But there was one thing I didn't expect as the day went on.  I began to feel sad.  I felt sad that I knew his parents probably wouldn't call or write or send a card.  I tried not to get choked up but I really was sad.  Even now at 8pm even with little man fast asleep I wish they would call.

   I wish they knew we prayed for them every night.  That what we really wish is that they would become healthy and that little man could know them.  I wish they knew that we loved them too.

  My feelings of sadness are mixed with so much gratefulness for the fact that so much of his bio family is in his life.  That we have pictures from the day he was born.  That his Aunt and I are so close and that we have all become like family.  Little man will definitely always know he is loved and by ALOT of people.  You should have seen the group picture.  Well soon soon I will be able to post it.  And it only shows a small portion of all the love he has in his life

Pain and Grief

   This post is on a not so fun subject but a very necessary subject.  It's the issue of pain and grieving in adoption.  Adoption is beautiful yes but is also full of pain and grief. I know we hear those words and think run, run far away!  But you don't want to run far away; the beauty of adoption is that it is a redemptive story. So we need to walk through the pain and grief so that the LORD can bring beauty from ashes.

    Grief for an older child is probably pretty obvious right?  They lost the only family they ever knew.  It may have been broken and abusive.  Many of their basic needs may not have been met.  But they lost their mother and their father.  One thing I think many people don't realize or think about is that a little newborn goes through the same loss.

     Our little one grew in his mothers belly, he listened to her voice and heart everyday, and he heard his fathers voice everyday.  She birthed him.  From inside her belly he went onto her chest.  And then within 24 hours she was gone.  I know it isn't a conscious loss but even just typing that out as his mother my heart aches for him.  This hurt is a part of the beauty of his story but none the less it is a part of his story.  When he gets older I know the questions will come "mommy why didn't I grow in your belly?"  Mommy "why couldn't I stay with my first mommy?"  And who knows what else.  We could sluff it off with "you grew in our heart and you are right where God planned for you to be."  While these things are true, they would deny the true heart wrenching loss he experienced.

   The other thing about this is that I as his mother experienced some huge losses in this.  He didn't grow in my belly; I lost those 9 months of bonding and love together and he never nursed at my breast.  And when I first met him my voice was strange to him; he didn't know me and i didn't know him.  It was love at first sight don't get me wrong.  But I still missed out on part of his life.

   So this leaves us with two choices pretend none of this happened and cover it up with pretty words and clever sayings.  Or we can face the pain and the grief head on acknowledging it, crying over it, and handing it over to the LORD, so he can make beauty from ashes.