Our children are not our own: Loss and life

For the last almost 3 years our family has walked through a lot of loss and unexpected hard things with friends.  We have always had a heart for adoption but the LORD used this losses to change our idea of what that would look like.  Yesterday I was reminded again why we said we would take a child even if they didn't stay forever.  And that is because our children our not our own they are the LORDS we are just entrusted with their care for a time.

So here is a little window into our past 3 years or so.  My husbands college pastor's 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with a rare form a cancer that wound up taking her life earlier this year.  A dear friend was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and passed away a few months later. I was with another friend while she labored and her daughter was born into the arms of Jesus. Then this year a dear friend was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia and she almost passed away more then once. A friend had a referral for and international adoption and before they were able to bring him home he went to be with the LORD.  And then most recently a friends child was given a diagnosis that was devastating about half way through her pregnancy.  He was born on Monday and they had wonderful hour with him before he went to be with the LORD.

Wow I look back at that and think how did all of that happen in such a short amount of time. I guess you might say "aren't you angry with God?"  I'm not mad, I do sometimes ask why, and then I remember this is a fallen world full of sickness and disease.  If the LORD answered me why I probably wouldn't understand.  I just need to trust him and lean on him. I try to remember the verse  "Jesus wept."  Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead yet he wept.

All of this loss has reminded my heart that my children belong to LORD that my husband belongs to the LORD.  My everything is the LORDS.  I need to savor each moment as if it were my last.  And in the midst of the tears to remember "Death has died and Love has won!"

I am thankful that one day there will be no more tears.  I am thankful that the LORD overcame death.  I am thankful that he grew babies in my tummy.  I am thankful that he placed babies in my home through adoption.  I am thankful he didn't tell me what that journey would have looked like or I might not have stepped out.  He has called us to put one foot in front of the other.  To treat every day as a gift.  And to not be afraid of death.

So today I will love my babies.  I will have parenthood parties on the oncology unit with my sweet friend.  I will care about the important things and not worry about the things that don't matter.  I will let go of religious rules and just love.  I won't try to be super-mom.  I will be vulnerable and real.  Today I will rebuke fear and step out in faith saying yes to wherever the LORD may lead.

I want to add that it is so often true that Joy and sorrow flow mingled down.  almost exactly two years ago our we received our first foster placement a baby boy.  We adopted him on July 26th of this year.  and in March his biological twin siblings were placed with us.  We will adopt them this month.  Friends had babies and many parties and celebrations were had as well.  God is good!  All the time God is good!

Below is a song that spoke to my heart yesterday in the middle of my grief.

When your bubble makes you a pharisee?

We all know those people who only hang out with people just like them.  Everyone believes the same things, thinks the same things, and does the same things.  And above all else only with each other.  Long time friends are set aside unless they want to talk about what you believe, and not to criticize or question it.  Because well...hmmm I guess that's not being real now is it. Well that's the kind of bubble that turns you into a pharisee.  You feast with the insiders while the "outsiders"  aren't welcome unless they want to tell you that you are right or they think they can convince you they are right.  And you can't bother with telling others about the Hope that you have found in Jesus because you only want to hang out with those who have it.  Oh wait I don't think that's what you the Great commission said.

You see the Pharisees were in a bubble too.  If you were Jewish, if your were circumcised, and if you followed all the rules they set out then you were in.  You see we can do this so easily too.  We get so caught up in the rules we forget to see Jesus.  We are so afraid of being tainted by the world we pull ourselves out of it.  We want to be safe.  The problem is Jesus isn't safe and he didn't call us to be safe.  So why are we trying to be safe.  Well if you are safe Satan wins!  Yep I said it if you are safe Satan wins, because he does.  You see the Gospel isn't rules or perfect looking families with children who obey always.  The Gospel is action.  Jesus usually started with an act of love and then followed with words.  And he didn't only love those in his circle he loved everyone the "unclean", the outcast, those who had no hope.  Often times we think our bubbles are just keeping us from being of the world but it actually keeps us from the world.  The same world he called us to love.

When I think about being "safe" as a christian I think about myself, how I used to be that believer stuck in a bubble. I'm still trying to make sure that I don't find myself there again. This false idea of safe brings to my mind the words in this song:

You have called me Higher-All Sons and daughters

I could Just sit

I could Just sit and wait for all your goodness

Hope to feel your prescence

I could just stay

I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel you

Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let you change me from the inside

And I could be safe

I could be safe here in your arms and never leave home

Never let these walls down.

But you have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I will go where you will lead me LORD

Be brave.  Be radical.  Love Jesus.  Love all people.  Teach your children to love like Jesus did.  If it means you don't cook dinner one night a week so you can go help others that is okay. It's okay because it teaches your children; it teaches them by example.  So go into the world and let the LORD grow you and change you.  Because in the end when we bless others we always end up being the one who is blessed more.

Matthew 28:18-20

Maybe I should stop doing dishes

So it was quiet in the house and I decided to power out some dishes.  I went into the kitchen set up some music and got started.  A few songs in and my eyes welled up with tears.  I couldn't help but think of the grief and pain involved with adoption.  My heart was breaking for my little ones birth mom and the loss that they have all experienced.  Even when we have eternal hope life is hard and our hearts hurt for this broken world.

You broke my chains of sin and shame and you covered me with your grace.

You mend my life with your holy fire

You cover me with grace

You are the hand that reaches out to save

I am set free oh oh oh oh

It is for freedom that I am set free

I am set free-All sons and Daughters

May we all experience freedom in the midst of this broken world.

Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Chains

I got in the car yesterday and an old Jars of Clay song was on.  The second verse stood out to me as a sad state that happens in our lives.

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best

The sermon echos through the walls

A Great salvation through it calls to the people

who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

It's the time when you forget what it feels like to be wrapped in our Saviors love.  When you forget the feeling of what it was like when you first realized how much the LORD loves you.  When the songs become just what you do instead of an overflow out of your heart.  Or just that picture of being silent wearing Sunday best and the legalism that can come with that.  And then there is the part that hits so hard " and can't feel the chains on their souls."  I think it hits so hard because I have been in this spot and am no longer there.  The chains of the yoke we weren't meant to bear.  Thankfully you don't have to do anything to get rid of the chains.  The LORD does it for you.  We all have chains we can't feel so it is good to ask everyday for the LORD to remove the things we aren't meant to bear so we can fall more in love with him.  

Thankful the LORD never leaves us where we are!