In remembrance of my sweet friend Lisa

Today we celebrated the life of our sweet friend Lisa Showalter.  So many sweet words and memories were shared about her.  She was and is greatly loved.  Below is what I shared at her service today.

First I want to say that I am honored to be standing here today sharing about Lisa.  Lisa’s parent asked me to share about our tradition of watching call the midwife.  I know you are all surprised she would love this show.  Our call the midwife nights consisted of chocolate, giggles, my twins, and birth talk.  Sometimes there were tears and hugs about hard things to. This had become our weekly get together, we always knew in the busyness of life we could count on call the midwife night to be together.  One of the sweet and funny stories that stood out from those nights was the night that Lisa tried to convince Rebecca, Melinda, and I that she had a big butt.  I’m not even sure how it came up, I just remember her strutting across the living room saying “see! Don’t you see how big it is.” 

As I reflect on my bond with Lisa on who she was and is in my life I have acknowledge that our relationship was so much more then these nights.  We have an eternal bond.  Lisa and I are sisters in Christ.  I didn’t say goodbye to her the night before she passed.  I said I love you I will see you later.

One of Lisa’s gifts is being a wonderful encourager.  On March 25^th of this year Lisa wrote me a note that said “You are a great mom Anastasia.  I hope you see that.  And a great friend.  I hope you see that too.”

Lisa truly held the gift of encouragement and she always made me smile.  As I think of what would Lisa want all of you to know…I think it would be something like this.  I am not dead!  My body is gone but my spirit live on.  I am with my LORD and Savior.  It is beautiful here.  He held me through all of this, he loved me through all of this.  I am healed and I am whole.  Please don’t miss you everyday blessings and his still small voice whispering I love you.

This is the last picture I have with Lisa and Ava.

Romans 8:38-39

Our children are not our own: Loss and life

For the last almost 3 years our family has walked through a lot of loss and unexpected hard things with friends.  We have always had a heart for adoption but the LORD used this losses to change our idea of what that would look like.  Yesterday I was reminded again why we said we would take a child even if they didn't stay forever.  And that is because our children our not our own they are the LORDS we are just entrusted with their care for a time.

So here is a little window into our past 3 years or so.  My husbands college pastor's 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with a rare form a cancer that wound up taking her life earlier this year.  A dear friend was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and passed away a few months later. I was with another friend while she labored and her daughter was born into the arms of Jesus. Then this year a dear friend was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia and she almost passed away more then once. A friend had a referral for and international adoption and before they were able to bring him home he went to be with the LORD.  And then most recently a friends child was given a diagnosis that was devastating about half way through her pregnancy.  He was born on Monday and they had wonderful hour with him before he went to be with the LORD.

Wow I look back at that and think how did all of that happen in such a short amount of time. I guess you might say "aren't you angry with God?"  I'm not mad, I do sometimes ask why, and then I remember this is a fallen world full of sickness and disease.  If the LORD answered me why I probably wouldn't understand.  I just need to trust him and lean on him. I try to remember the verse  "Jesus wept."  Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead yet he wept.

All of this loss has reminded my heart that my children belong to LORD that my husband belongs to the LORD.  My everything is the LORDS.  I need to savor each moment as if it were my last.  And in the midst of the tears to remember "Death has died and Love has won!"

I am thankful that one day there will be no more tears.  I am thankful that the LORD overcame death.  I am thankful that he grew babies in my tummy.  I am thankful that he placed babies in my home through adoption.  I am thankful he didn't tell me what that journey would have looked like or I might not have stepped out.  He has called us to put one foot in front of the other.  To treat every day as a gift.  And to not be afraid of death.

So today I will love my babies.  I will have parenthood parties on the oncology unit with my sweet friend.  I will care about the important things and not worry about the things that don't matter.  I will let go of religious rules and just love.  I won't try to be super-mom.  I will be vulnerable and real.  Today I will rebuke fear and step out in faith saying yes to wherever the LORD may lead.

I want to add that it is so often true that Joy and sorrow flow mingled down.  almost exactly two years ago our we received our first foster placement a baby boy.  We adopted him on July 26th of this year.  and in March his biological twin siblings were placed with us.  We will adopt them this month.  Friends had babies and many parties and celebrations were had as well.  God is good!  All the time God is good!

Below is a song that spoke to my heart yesterday in the middle of my grief.

Sorrow and Joy

So blogging has been put on the back burner due to the addition of twins to our household.  Just a little busy with 3 under 2???  Busy and full of blessings!

Well right now our house is full of sorrow and Joy I think I am truly learning what that means.  We are overjoyed with the addition of the twins and the upcoming adoption finalization of our little man.  And yet at the same time I am burdened with sorrow as my dear friend has been diagnosed with Leukemia.  The feelings I have experienced have surprised me in many ways as I just recently watched one of my husbands mentors loose his daughter to Cancer.  She was young sweet and innocent.  We were devastated when she passed away.  There are some things Kate Merrick wrote that now hit me harder.  You see as much as I have seen cancer I have not SEEN cancer.  It is something I wish no one would ever have to witness.  There is something about seeing someone you love in pain.  When you see them weak and weary.  It is heart breaking.

In all of this I know I have two choices.  I can become bitter and full of hatred and anger, or I can fix my eyes on the promise of Jesus.  I choose the later.  I could ask why or I could ask the LORD to come and be in the midst of this.  I choose to ask Him to come.  I know her cancer is treatable and I do not know how this will all end, but I do know I serve a God that is bigger then her cancer.  I also know that I serve a God that loves her more then I could ever love her.

So I press on with my friend in this battle and at them same time enjoy the blessing we are experiencing in life and they feel so much more joyous!  And I share those joys with her because in the midst of her pain I know the LORD intends to bless her in ways she could never imagine.


Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

Joshua 1:9 " Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you where ever you go."

When I hear this song I feel I am both the beginning of this song at the same time and yet the theme is the same "I will bring Praise!"

It's not Safe

Sometime ago I listened to a sermon that Britt Merrick preached and in it he said it's not safe to follow Jesus.  He spoke about when a family friend was going on a mission trip and her started to write "be safe".  He said he stopped himself when he realized Jesus never called us to be safe in fact he called us to do quite the opposite.

As we have been walking this path of adoption Dustin and I have quickly realized that when we live a life that isn't safe it is full of lots of hurt but also lots of blessings.  As you have read in the past we started off the Journey looking for a "safe" adoption plan.  A child that was on the road to adoption with a low risk of going back.  As the LORD worked on our hearts we found ourselves saying it doesn't matter how long they will stay we will love them anyway.  We will love them with all we have and hold nothing back.

The LORD had used Britt and Kate Merrick to show us our children were a gift.  And that everyday we have with them is a gift.  A couple of weeks ago Britt and Kate's daughter Daisy (age 8) went to be with the LORD.  She has changed many lives across the world.  The LORD used her suffering through 4 cancer diagnosis for his glory.  We loved harder and more willingly as we watched this story unfold.  When I watched the memorial last Saturday it was full of laughter and tears.  They web cast it and I along with almost 4,000 others watched from home as they filled up the auditorium they had used in Santa Barbara.

Adoption is risky.  Following Jesus is risky.  But oh it's so worth it.  Because when you get that child in your arms you will know that God choose you to be their parent.  It maybe for a week or a month or maybe 65 years.  But he choose you to love them.  So don't be afraid if they may leave tomorrow or next week, just love them anyway.

When you encounter the birth parents love them with all you have.  They need your love too.  When you are dealing with social workers and Judges love them with all you have.  In the end love wins.  We need to not be afraid we just need to love everyone like Jesus.  You will never say I loved them too much.

To read more of Daisy's story you can visit Pray For Daisy

There is a blog and multiple videos including her memorial service.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous.  do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.

Dishes and Tears

Lot's of tears have been shed over the last 5 days but today a big wave hit my while doing the dishes.  The music was playing and the kids were having fun and giggling next to me on the floor.  From Friday's massacre of 20 innocent children and 7 adults, to Daisy Love Merrick I just couldn't keep them back.  I silently cried as the tears rolled down into the soapy water.  I pleaded with the LORD asking  him to heal Daisy Love and was gently reminded as I cried that he loved me and Daisy more then anyone ever could.

If you don't know Daisy's story she is an 8 year old girl who has just been diagnosed with two cancerous tumors for the 4th time in her short life.  She isn't just any 8 year old girl to us though.  Her dad was/is one of my husbands mentors.  He discipled my husband and taught him what it meant to be a man after God's own heart.  If you have met Britt you know he is a man after God's own heart and if you met my husband you can tell he is a good teacher.  Because of this Daisy holds an extra special place in our hearts along with her whole family.  Christmas 2011 we stood at church chatting with her mom (Kate) while Elijah Merrick played with the children.  She told us how happy she was that Daisy's cancer was gone (that was after the second diagnosis) yet she knew that all these treatments had taken a toll on her sweet body.  That image is burned in my mind as I held our 5 week old little boy that was born in our hearts.  At that same moment we told her how Daisy's story and their faith had given us the courage to take the steps that led us to him. My heart breaks on so many different levels.  For Daisy as her body aches and she starts chemo again knowing that her tumors are inoperable.  For Kate and Britt as I know as a mother and father how much they just want to take the pain away.  For her older brother who probably wishes he could take away the pain too.

In all of this I know that God is good and he is bigger then any tumor even when I don't have the faith to believe it.  This year at Christmas we will hold our little ones a little tighter and tell them we love them a little bit more.  We will remember that our children are not ours but that they belong to our Father in heaven who loves them so much more then we ever could.  And he will not forsake us.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

John 11:35 Jesus wept.

To read more of Daisy's story and witness her families incredible faith go here www.prayfordaisy.com