The Root of Love

"Love has within it a redemptive power and that is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. That's why Jesus says love your enemies because if you hate your enemies you have no way to redeem and transform your enemies. You will discover at the very root of love is the power of redemption."

Martin Luther King Jr

I was asked yesterday how I was doing.  I thought about it for a minute and realized I truly have been sad and surrendered to that feeling for months. You see I didn't support either candidate.  I didn't feel good about Hillary or Trump.  We didn't even decide what we would do until the week of the election. It became the year of the anti vote.  In other words so many people voted for a candidate not because they believed in them but because they feared the other candidate.  Fear should never be our motivation yet that was the position so many felt they were in.  For quite sometime my answer to politics has been, vote yes of course but the reality is the real change happens in our everyday lives.

God was so kind to remind me of that on election night.  I helped two different women while everyone else was busy watching results come in.  I helped one mamma find her voice regarding her birth.  Her voice that had been stolen by medical tyranny in the town I live in.  I helped another mamma as she found out the birth mother of her child had given birth again.  I went to bed woke up in the morning and headed to a meeting with many others to work on improving foster care.  You see in the end I am still responsible for what the LORD puts in front of me.  To make a difference in the people he puts on my path.  And from there that love will spread.  One mamma who has found her voice can now go on to encourage another mamma.  The other mamma will likely go on to support another foster/adoptive mamma.  And the group of people working on improving foster care...they all walked away with action items so that we can come back in two months and see some progress and positive change.

So maybe if your candidate won I suggest being respectful of those who are disappointed and sad or heartbroken.  I am not saying accept abuse but I am saying show them love and empathy let them be sad and listen to them with an open heart. You just might learn something.

Maybe your candidate lost.  Feel your hurt, but don't let it lead you to anger and bitterness.  Rioting and hurting innocent people does not help.  Look for ways to love.  Look for ways to LOVE those in need.

And maybe you are like me you didn't vote for either one. The answer is still the same LOVE.  You can never love too much you will never regret loving people.  You will  never regret bending down and lifting someone up.

And to all of us today another baby was born.  Someone died today.  There are still children starving across the globe.  There are orphans without families.  There are children being removed from abusive homes.  There are people struggling to pay their rent no matter how hard they work.  There is a woman who just experienced a miscarriage.  There is a child diagnosed with cancer.  A child was sold for sex over and over. The list goes on.

In my facebook memories today I found this update I wrote 2 years ago today "Jesus didn't try to "fix" the government. Instead he stepped into the mess and corruption and started helping people"

Let's be the change.  That is what Jesus did and it is what he called us to do.

This short sermon from Dr. Martin Luther King is so clearly Holy Spirit inspired and so important at all times.  The beginning quote was taken from this sermon.

And as always my heart is filled when I sing songs of worship to the LORD.

My challenge for you today is to find a way to be LOVE in this world because that is the only way we will drive out hate.

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

I read a couple statistics the other day in a book by the barna group and I was floored.  In fact I am still floored by what I read.

38% of practicing Christians seriously consider adoption
5% of practicing Christians adopted a child
31% of practicing Christians seriously consider becoming a foster parent
3% of practicing Christians became a foster parent
*Becoming home by: Jedd Medefind

So these people aren't just thinking oh that would be nice they are taking the time to really consider what that means but very few will actually follow through.  So that begs the question why?  What holds them back?  I actually asked a group of pastors this last week and the first answer I heard was fear.  And you know what he is right.  I know because I almost let fear take over.  Dustin and I knew the LORD was calling us into foster care but I was scared.  We stopped and started the process.  I had tons of reasons not to then Dustin had reasons.  We almost let fear win but I am so glad we didn't.

When I sit and think what if I had let fear win I am brought to my knees and filled with tears.  If I had let fear win we would be a totally different family.  Was foster care hard. Yes.  Is adoption simple and straight forward. Not at all.  But every bit of it is worth it.  All of the sacrifice all of the unknowns I would do them all over again.  The lessons I learned and continue to learn about love and life are worth so much.  And the blessings oh the blessings.  To watch these sweet children grow together and learn about life together.

SO today I challenge you to pray this.  LORD what am I letting fear keep me from?  LORD help me to step out in faith with courage to walk in the calling you have for my life.

National Adoption Month

It's that time of year when I try to pick up my blog and try to blog everyday.  I might be successful and I might not be but I will do my best.  This year I am going to try to tackle some new ideas this year.  If you have a subject surrounding foster care and adoption you would like me to tackle let me know and I will do my best.  I will even try to rope the hubby into writing a post this month.

So I will leave this post plain and simple I challenge everyone to pray this month.  Pray everyday for orphans.  For children who find themselves in foster care.  For parents who have had their children removed from their home.  For Judges.  For Social workers.  For foster parents.  For adoptive parents. For everyone else involved with children in the varying forms of care.  And as we should always do ask the LORD what he is calling you to do.

Wild Adventures

Many of you may have noticed my random Hawaii posts and countdowns.  What you may not know is that the trip is much more then just a getaway with Dustin.  This trip was actually birthed out of me being asked to teach at GO midwife during their doula week. Dustin and I will be on the north shore of Oahu for 3 nights and 4 days and then he will fly home and I will fly to Kona on the Big Island.

So now you are probably asking what the heck is Go midwife.  Well let me tell you.  GO midwife is an amazing organization that is training up women to serve women during childbirth in the United States and around the world.  The GO midwife school now has two locations one is in Kona on the YWAM base there and the other is in Homer Alaska on the YWAM base there.

Go Midwife

If you know me at all or have ever read my blog you know I have two major passions in life adoption and childbirth.  I am over the moon that the LORD would allow me to be a part of teaching these sweet women about being a doula.

I will try to write in the next few weeks leading up to my trip about the need for quality respectful care for women.  Please join me in praying for the women I will be training and what the LORD has for me as I delve back into the world of birth.  If you would also pray for me I would so appreciate it.

Prayer requests:
That I would be led by the holy spirit in all I say and do.
That I would have time between now and my trip to effectively prep and plan.
That the LORD would lead me in my planning on where to focus my attention.
That I would be at peace while I am away from my family as I know I will miss them.
Pray for protection from the attacks of the enemy.
And of course anything else you feel led to pray for.

Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

When Choices Bring Unexpected Consequences

The other day I posted on Instagram and Facebook about isolation when families choose to foster and/or adopt.  I had a lot of friends reach out was so sweet and kind.  I truly have not experienced the degree of isolation so many I know have but as I tasted a little bit of it again this week I was reminded of it's sting.  I know I am the one who you will typically find with a smile on my face and I will almost always say I am good when I am asked "How are you?"  The truth is most of the time I am, but sometimes I'm not. We don't let our kids know about the rejection that has happened because of our choice to fost/adopt.  It's not their load to carry.  And in all honesty it's not one Dustin and I saw coming.

We knew people would question our choice.  It's out of the box, there is risk involved, and foster care and adoption are messy.  Of course we believe that is where God shines the brightest in the middle of messes.

When we took in one child we got questions. "Are you sure?"  "Why would you want to do this?" Or when we had hard days we heard "Well this is what you chose to do."  What we didn't know was that this would get worse a year later.  When we found out our sweet one would have twin siblings entering the world and we were asked to keep them together we said yes.  Did we think it would be hard?  Of course!  Twins are a whole different ball game and having 3 kids under two was an overwhelming thought.  But in-spite of the naysayers both family and friends questioning our choice we had an army of support. While people said "why would you ever do that?!" Others sang a louder chorus of "How can we help you?" Because of the loud chorus of support I often forgot about the naysayers that had been drowned out. Sometimes though a moment comes up where the unexpected consequence rears its ugly head.  When a party invite comes for everyone but your family.  When you are so obviously avoided. When your invites are always declined by the same few people. Its in those moments where you realize the consequence of your choice is a severed relationship.

So I guess that leaves the question, knowing what I know now would I do it all over again.  The answer is YES! As I sit in the living room watching the twins happily play cars together and their big brother cuddled on the couch with his dad I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are worth it.Their safety, their security, their ability to grow up together it's all worth it. My heart grieves the loss over our choice to love but I can't change other people.

So maybe you are a family member or a friend of someone who is fostering or has adopted and your wondering how you can help.  Let me just say it's not that hard.  Just be there. Love them. Hold their hand while they cry.  Be the loud chorus saying "How can I help?" that drowns out the naysayers sting.

Like I always say we aren't all called to adopt but every single one of us can help.

What's your part?

   Last night I posted a blog post about how the church can inadvertently play into the sexual abuse narrative.  You can find that post here preparing-our-girls-to-be-abused-when.html .  What was said in this article has been swirling in my head for a good decade.  How do the words we use as the church and a society as a whole play right into the agenda of abusers?

   As parents to 3 beautiful daughters and 2 handsome boys Dustin and I decided we should really talk about how we will talk to our girls about modesty and their bodies.  Because how we approach it will not only effect them but it will effect our boys as well.

   Let's start with what we often hear in the church "Don't dress that way you don't want to make boys stumble."  Now I don't want my girls running around with their breasts hanging out and their butt barely covered, but I also don't ever want them to think that if someone assaults them it is their fault.  Women are sexually assaulted in parkas and short skirts at the same rate.  In fact most sexual assault are perpetrated by someone the woman already knows.  It wasn't the clothes she wore, or the party she went to.  What I can tell you is that's exactly what her abuser told her was the reason he had to assault her.  "you're too pretty"  you're too sexy"  "why did you wear that dress it made me want you.  You can't just leave me like this that would be teasing me."
   
   As a family we have decided to be more concerned with our daughters hearts.  To raise them to know that they are beautiful inside and out.  That their outward beauty is a reflection of their heart.  Because if we raise young ladies and young men to be concerned about their character the rest will follow.  If we raise them to view themselves as beloved sons and daughters of the LORD they will know where their worth lies.  And if they know where their worth lies they will treat others with the same respect, love, and dignity.

Now I would like to change our focus and look at our society at large.  This isn't just happening in the church it is happening everywhere.  I remember hearing some of the defense arguments recently for a rape case at a boarding school.  They said things like "well she sent him sexy messages" or "she texted and said she wanted to have sex the other day".  That reminds me of an awesome video about consent that can be seen here :

   Now on the subject of consent I would like to talk about how the world of women's health is also playing a role in the narrative of consent.  I was a practicing doula for about 5 years and now I am an inactive doula who is still involved in the world of birth.  There was something I began to notice time and time again at births.  The doctor or nurse would come in and say I am going to check you now.  Now if you don't know what "checking" someone is it is a cervical dilation check.  In other words they stick their hand inside of you to see if your cervix is dilated.  While well intentioned we just provided further training to accept physical touch without being asked for permission. When we know that a conservative estimate puts us at 1 in 4 women being sexually assaulted it is insane that we don't ask women may I check you and wait for a response.  

   I hope the picture is becoming clear that our society as a whole has been unknowingly supporting abusers narratives and demeaning women.  As the Church representing Christ we should be leading the way in changing this narrative and changing the way we speak to and about women.

Let's make a conscious effort to not feed the lies of the enemy and to speak truth into this world through our words and our actions.

Closing out 2015: The year of change

    The end of 2015 marks the end of our first year in Santa Barbara. We left the town where we had spent 9 years of our marriage.  The town where all 5 of our children were born.  We faced great heart aches and some of our biggest Joys.  We packed everything up and pulled away with tears streaming down our face to the place where we believed the LORD was calling us.Just like all change it was hard and yet it was good.
   
     One change that happened when we moved was that we stopped homeschooling and enrolled the girls in public school.  This was a huge change that we were so unsure if we were makeing the right decision but after lots of prayer we felt like it was the right call.  And the LORD is faithful as the girls have been stretched and grown in a big public school full of amazing teachers and administrators.  I also learned not to put the LORD into a box he calls us all to do different things at different times.  School had become a religous idol and I needed to let it go.  Infact I learned to let go of a lot of things this year.  Freedom is a beautiful thing!

Here are some mini updates on what everyone has been up to this last year.

     Ellie is now in 4th grade and learning so much, including violin at school! She is also doing chourus, musical theatere, art, and sailing.  So many of her activities take place at school either during school hours or directly after school which is such a blessing.  She is growing into a strong sweet girl who is always wanting to learn more about the LORD and caring for others.  Her sweet sensitive heart blesses me always.

     Madyson is in 1st grade and she absolutley loves school.  Madyson is doing art, piano, and ballet.  She is loving ballet especially and just moved up a level.  Madyson has vibrant spirit and loves to learn how and why things work.  She also is always wanting to learn more about the LORD and was blessed with a bible of her own this summer that she loves to take to church with her.  Her adventerous spirit that sees no limits to what can be done reminds me to never stop dreaming.

    Our sweet Trevor is 4 and really is a big boy now.  He attends preschool 3 days a week and though he still talks about his friends and teachers in Santa Cruz he really loves his new school.  Its hard to believe that in 9 short months he will be at school with the girls in transitional kindergarten!  He is full of energy and a cuddle bug all at the same time and I wouldn't have it any other way!

 
       Our little Luke is 2 years old and growing up so fast. Luke has enjoyed having a preschool routine this year and enjoys his friends and teachers there.  He has the sweetest most gentle spirit and I love to watch him blossom and grow.

   
       Ava bean as she is affectionatly called is also 2.  She has a personality that wins over the masses.  Her Sunday school teachers comment on the fact that she makes jokes and she knows she is funny.  Ava is also enjoying preschool and has taken up ballet with her big sister.  She is a sweet and sensitive spitfire who will likely take over the world when she grows up.

   

Dustin's job changed of course as well as mine.  And though there are always challenges to new jobs we have both settled in well and are enjoying the ways our jobs are stretching and growing us. As hard as our move has been with adjustments and finding our way here God is faithful and He has been with us every step of the way. He has quietly whispered I have you right where I want you, just put one foot in front of the other.

I have grown in so many ways over the last year.  The LORD has brought healing to wounds I didn't even know I had.  I feel so much more confident in my faith and grounded in His love.  I am looking forward to 2016 and all the ways we will see the LORD move and how our children will grow.

Phone Call

4 years ago Thanksgiving week took on a new meaning for our family.  Om November 25th 2011 the phone rang and a sweet social worker asked me if we would be willing to take a newborn baby boy for a week.  I said yes and agreed to meet her at the hospital a few hours later.  After arriving at the hospital I quickly learned this would not be  a week long engagement.  Though as foster care always is it was unknown how long this sweet boy would actually stay.  Needless to say our sweet Trevor changed our lives forever.

I am so thankful for my sweet boy and so thankful for an unknown journey that led me to a place of having a deeper relationship with my heavenly Father. When I was handed this sweet baby boy as I sat in a rocking chair and I looked into his eyes and promised to love him I had no idea how many other amazing people and life lessons were coming with him.  He is my blue eyed curly headed boy.  With tons of energy and yet almost half the day today he cuddled on my lap just because.  Oh what would my life be without him...I am so thankful I will never know.  

New Adventure

We have spent the past 9 years of our almost 10 year marriage in Santa Cruz, Ca and in a couple of weeks we will be saying goodbye.  I haven't processed my feelings about this as it has all seemed to happen so quickly.

When we moved to Santa Cruz I was 22 and 8 weeks pregnant with our first child.  It was wild and such a leap of faith.  I remember crying as we drove away from our first apartment after all the hurdles we had leaped to move.  But as we started up the Uhaul the song "I will walk by faith" came on and we held hands and sang with all our heart.  "I will walk by faith even when I can not see."

We couldn't see that all 5 of our children would be born in the same hospital.  2 would grow in my belly and 3 would grow in our hearts.  We have made life long friends.  The LORD has stretched us and grown us in ways we would have never expected.  We have experienced life come into this world and life leave this world.  We have cried we have rejoiced.  We have stood up for what was right even when we were standing alone.  But most importantly we have grown together as we have continued to make Christ the center of our lives and our marriage.

This new journey will come with struggles, like packing up and moving 5 kids.  It will also be filled with blessings and new lessons.

 This verse seemed so fitting for the day that we announce our big move.

So farewell Santa Cruz and hello Santa Barbara!

Skeletons in the closet: A post Halloween post on the reality of human trafficking

Everyday the headlines are full of all sorts of atrocities.  But there is one headline you will rarely ever see.  One headline no one wants to read about.  "Slavery is alive and well in America"  In america there are approximately 300,000-400,000 children commercially sexually exploited.  That number brings me to my knees.

This is national adoption month, and you may be asking yourself why in the world I am talking about sex trafficking during a month dedicated to celebrating adoption.  Well here is your answer in the form of another statistic; 98% of children who are identified as survivors of sex trafficking had previous involvement with child welfare services.

Have you ever thought about what happens to the children who aren't adopted that are in our child welfare system?  Did you know that 5 is considered old when speaking of foster children?


As followers of Christ we are called to defend the cause of the orphan.  Not everyone is called to adopt but we are all called to do something.  And knowing that if 1 family in every 3 churches adopted we would have no more children waiting in America, I think its fair to say we aren't answering the call.

This video may be hard to watch but we have been ignoring this reality for far to long.

Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow. Isaiah 1:17

Why new? :Providing for foster youth and why new is so important.

  Some people might think I am being a little extreme when I say we should really try to fulfill foster youths needs with new things.  Well I will do my best to explain why this could make all the difference for these young men and women.

   So to start I would like you to imagine a 6 year old little girl.  She has two younger siblings, they are 3 and 1.  She goes to school everyday and is in the first grade.  She loves playing with dolls and all things sparkly.  Her clothes are tattered and they smell of smoke and must.  When she gets home from school her "chores" await her.  She changes diapers, gets bottles, prepares dinner, and tries to clean up the house.  This is all while her parents are so loaded they have no idea what is going on and when they happen to be more aware they are usually fighting.

  One night things get out of control, the neighbors call law enforcement who arrive with a social worker in tow.  The social worker takes the children to the office and starts making phone calls to find a foster home.  They find a home for the 1 and 3 year old but they can't take the 6 year old too.  The children are separated.  You see in the world of foster care 6 is old.

  So fast forward a few years.  The biological parents are unable to reunify with their children, the 1 and 3 year old siblings have been adopted together, but the sweet 6 year old is now 8 and has lived in 4 different homes.  With every move she sinks deeper into herself.  She wonders why no one loves her.  Is she unlovable?  She starts to try to cause the rejection in new homes.  Almost like trying to rip the band aid off hoping it won't hurt so badly the next time someone gives up on her.

   So there you have it an 8 year old little girl who feels as though no one will ever love and that all she is worth is second best.  At this point she will likely continue to bounce from home to home.  Growing up in foster care never feeling like she has a place to call home.

  What would it mean to this sweet girl if someone came into her life and handed her something new.  A pair of pants she looked at but felt she wasn't worth.  Those beautiful boots.  Or that trendy jacket.  What if we treated her as we did our own children instead of cleaning out our closets of unwanted out of date clothing we got her something new.  Something she desired.

  That right there is why I believe it is so important to buy foster youth new things.  Things they desire no matter how silly we may think it seems.  Many of these children have never been given something new their whole life.  So when you hear a 16 year old girl in foster care is asking for Doc Martins don't brush it off and say she should be happy with whatever she gets.  Think about the sweet girl who has been rejected so many times that she feels unlovable.

If you think I am being extreme please ask me and I will share personal stories where I know that the simple act of something new made a difference for a child.

In remembrance of my sweet friend Lisa

Today we celebrated the life of our sweet friend Lisa Showalter.  So many sweet words and memories were shared about her.  She was and is greatly loved.  Below is what I shared at her service today.

First I want to say that I am honored to be standing here today sharing about Lisa.  Lisa’s parent asked me to share about our tradition of watching call the midwife.  I know you are all surprised she would love this show.  Our call the midwife nights consisted of chocolate, giggles, my twins, and birth talk.  Sometimes there were tears and hugs about hard things to. This had become our weekly get together, we always knew in the busyness of life we could count on call the midwife night to be together.  One of the sweet and funny stories that stood out from those nights was the night that Lisa tried to convince Rebecca, Melinda, and I that she had a big butt.  I’m not even sure how it came up, I just remember her strutting across the living room saying “see! Don’t you see how big it is.” 

As I reflect on my bond with Lisa on who she was and is in my life I have acknowledge that our relationship was so much more then these nights.  We have an eternal bond.  Lisa and I are sisters in Christ.  I didn’t say goodbye to her the night before she passed.  I said I love you I will see you later.

One of Lisa’s gifts is being a wonderful encourager.  On March 25^th of this year Lisa wrote me a note that said “You are a great mom Anastasia.  I hope you see that.  And a great friend.  I hope you see that too.”

Lisa truly held the gift of encouragement and she always made me smile.  As I think of what would Lisa want all of you to know…I think it would be something like this.  I am not dead!  My body is gone but my spirit live on.  I am with my LORD and Savior.  It is beautiful here.  He held me through all of this, he loved me through all of this.  I am healed and I am whole.  Please don’t miss you everyday blessings and his still small voice whispering I love you.

This is the last picture I have with Lisa and Ava.

Romans 8:38-39

Mary did you know?

One of my favorite songs during Christmas and in general is the song "Mary did you know?".  As a mother I can so easily relate to Mary.  I remember my labor pains well and I can only imagine what Mary's labor was like.  Her first labor and she was birthing the son of God.  As much as I can relate to Mary I cannot fathom what that must have been like.  As someone who knows what it feels like when the Holy Spirit is present in a real way I can't even begin to imagine how thick the air was that night.  Just she and Joesph as she labored and worked to delivery this baby.

Then i begin to think about her caring for him. There is this line in the song "This child that you delivered, will soon deliver you."  Can you imagine looking at your baby that you delivered and knowing that he will deliver you?

As we enter into Christmas with our families and the trees are surrounded by presents let us remember that a baby boy with a humble beginning came to save this broken world.  Let us remember that as he left earth to sit at the right hand of the LORD he asked us to be his light in this world.  He wants to save the world through us.  Just like Mary we are just ordinary people but God wants to use us to do something extraordinary.  It will take faith.  It means casting aside fears.  It means not caring what other people think when you love radically.

Can you imagine Mary and Joesph this is our son Jesus he is the son of God.  People probably thought they were crazy.  People probably ridiculed them.  Some probably talked about Joesph as the man who took care of another mans child.  They carried on as though they knew they were carrying the light of the world.  

My challenge to you this Christmas season is to remember that Christs light shines through you and that light shines brightest in the dark.

Reflecting on Adoption Day

On Friday November 22nd we adopted our twins.  A boy and a girl named Luke and Ava.

This year we completed two adoptions!  Life is wild when you truly say yes to wherever the LORD leads.  Many people tell us we are blessing these sweet children, but I am here to tell you it is the other way around.  Trevor, Luke, and Ava have brought more joy into our lives then I could have ever dreamed of!  We have gained Aunties and Uncles. Cousins and Grandparents.  Our heart is full with the love that surrounds us.  What has happened through our adoptions is not of this world.  

Adoption is love.  Just as we are adopted as sons and daughters of God because of his great love for us.  To quote a friend adoption takes something broken and makes it whole.

So here we are all 7 Stone's

Isaiah 61:3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion-

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of Joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of his splendor.

Praise our LORD for he trades beauty for ashes!  May all 5 of our children follow him all the days of their lives and may they bring him glory in all they do.

Our children are not our own: Loss and life

For the last almost 3 years our family has walked through a lot of loss and unexpected hard things with friends.  We have always had a heart for adoption but the LORD used this losses to change our idea of what that would look like.  Yesterday I was reminded again why we said we would take a child even if they didn't stay forever.  And that is because our children our not our own they are the LORDS we are just entrusted with their care for a time.

So here is a little window into our past 3 years or so.  My husbands college pastor's 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with a rare form a cancer that wound up taking her life earlier this year.  A dear friend was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and passed away a few months later. I was with another friend while she labored and her daughter was born into the arms of Jesus. Then this year a dear friend was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia and she almost passed away more then once. A friend had a referral for and international adoption and before they were able to bring him home he went to be with the LORD.  And then most recently a friends child was given a diagnosis that was devastating about half way through her pregnancy.  He was born on Monday and they had wonderful hour with him before he went to be with the LORD.

Wow I look back at that and think how did all of that happen in such a short amount of time. I guess you might say "aren't you angry with God?"  I'm not mad, I do sometimes ask why, and then I remember this is a fallen world full of sickness and disease.  If the LORD answered me why I probably wouldn't understand.  I just need to trust him and lean on him. I try to remember the verse  "Jesus wept."  Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead yet he wept.

All of this loss has reminded my heart that my children belong to LORD that my husband belongs to the LORD.  My everything is the LORDS.  I need to savor each moment as if it were my last.  And in the midst of the tears to remember "Death has died and Love has won!"

I am thankful that one day there will be no more tears.  I am thankful that the LORD overcame death.  I am thankful that he grew babies in my tummy.  I am thankful that he placed babies in my home through adoption.  I am thankful he didn't tell me what that journey would have looked like or I might not have stepped out.  He has called us to put one foot in front of the other.  To treat every day as a gift.  And to not be afraid of death.

So today I will love my babies.  I will have parenthood parties on the oncology unit with my sweet friend.  I will care about the important things and not worry about the things that don't matter.  I will let go of religious rules and just love.  I won't try to be super-mom.  I will be vulnerable and real.  Today I will rebuke fear and step out in faith saying yes to wherever the LORD may lead.

I want to add that it is so often true that Joy and sorrow flow mingled down.  almost exactly two years ago our we received our first foster placement a baby boy.  We adopted him on July 26th of this year.  and in March his biological twin siblings were placed with us.  We will adopt them this month.  Friends had babies and many parties and celebrations were had as well.  God is good!  All the time God is good!

Below is a song that spoke to my heart yesterday in the middle of my grief.

I have a new sister!

What in the world does me getting a new sister have anything to do with adoption?!  Well I will tell you.  When we started out on this crazy adventure to adoption we knew our family would grow at some point.  That if we started fostering one of these sweeties would stick around forever.  What we didn't know was all the other family we would gain.

Little Trevor brought a very special Big Sister into my life.  My sister Shellyne.  For the longest time we would answer with long winded answers about who she was to me or who I was to her.  But I have given up on long answers and decided she is just my sister.  You see just like adoption there was no denying it we were bonded to each other quickly and it was clear that it was a forever bond.

The blessings of adoption span so far beyond what we could hope or dream.  I am thankful that all my children have gained more cousins, Aunts, Uncles, and even an extra Grandma.  

Orphan Sunday: James 1:27

James 1:27 "Religion God our Father finds pure and faultless is this:  to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

Our Father in heaven does not want us to sing the right songs, wear the right clothes, be friends with the right people, have our children be perfectly behaved, or a long list of other to-dos.  He wants us to love the least of these (Matthew 25:40).  We get so consumed with looking "good" or "right" that we forget the heart of our father. I think Francis Chan said it best when he said "Adoption is the gospel message".  Our Father in heaven did not create orphans when he created the world.  They are a result of the entrance of sin.  But there is good news there is redemption and God our Father loves to make beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:1-3).   I know not everyone is called to adoption but I do believe more are called then those who actually respond.  During this month I will lay out ways to help that include adoption and then alternatives if you are unable to do so.  I have one simple challenge on this Orphan Sunday.  Pray a very simple prayer.

"LORD how are you calling me to help orphans in my community and abroad.  Please release me from any fear that has kept me from answering your call on my life."

It's a scary prayer I know.  One day we prayed that prayer and we went from wanting to adopt to saying we would foster and didn't need  a "safe" case.  It's a wild adventure caring for orphans no matter how the LORD is calling you to help.  But it is an awesome adventure.  The LORD is passionate about the fatherless so when we partner with him we become closer to him and that is the best part!

This is the day we brought home our sweet Trevor...he was supposed to stay for about a week.  We adopted him 7/26/2013 :)

It's national Adoption month!

Last year I tried to blog everyday in November about orphans and adoption.  So lets do this again.  Today will be simple since it is already 9:30 and I am exhausted!  I know I only have 5 kids I shouldn't be exhausted.

So lets just start with me being thankful that we finalized our sweet sons adoption on July 26th of this year!!!  Here are some photos of the wonderful day!

When your bubble makes you a pharisee?

We all know those people who only hang out with people just like them.  Everyone believes the same things, thinks the same things, and does the same things.  And above all else only with each other.  Long time friends are set aside unless they want to talk about what you believe, and not to criticize or question it.  Because well...hmmm I guess that's not being real now is it. Well that's the kind of bubble that turns you into a pharisee.  You feast with the insiders while the "outsiders"  aren't welcome unless they want to tell you that you are right or they think they can convince you they are right.  And you can't bother with telling others about the Hope that you have found in Jesus because you only want to hang out with those who have it.  Oh wait I don't think that's what you the Great commission said.

You see the Pharisees were in a bubble too.  If you were Jewish, if your were circumcised, and if you followed all the rules they set out then you were in.  You see we can do this so easily too.  We get so caught up in the rules we forget to see Jesus.  We are so afraid of being tainted by the world we pull ourselves out of it.  We want to be safe.  The problem is Jesus isn't safe and he didn't call us to be safe.  So why are we trying to be safe.  Well if you are safe Satan wins!  Yep I said it if you are safe Satan wins, because he does.  You see the Gospel isn't rules or perfect looking families with children who obey always.  The Gospel is action.  Jesus usually started with an act of love and then followed with words.  And he didn't only love those in his circle he loved everyone the "unclean", the outcast, those who had no hope.  Often times we think our bubbles are just keeping us from being of the world but it actually keeps us from the world.  The same world he called us to love.

When I think about being "safe" as a christian I think about myself, how I used to be that believer stuck in a bubble. I'm still trying to make sure that I don't find myself there again. This false idea of safe brings to my mind the words in this song:

You have called me Higher-All Sons and daughters

I could Just sit

I could Just sit and wait for all your goodness

Hope to feel your prescence

I could just stay

I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel you

Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let you change me from the inside

And I could be safe

I could be safe here in your arms and never leave home

Never let these walls down.

But you have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I will go where you will lead me LORD

Be brave.  Be radical.  Love Jesus.  Love all people.  Teach your children to love like Jesus did.  If it means you don't cook dinner one night a week so you can go help others that is okay. It's okay because it teaches your children; it teaches them by example.  So go into the world and let the LORD grow you and change you.  Because in the end when we bless others we always end up being the one who is blessed more.

Matthew 28:18-20

20 months later

20 months to the day we brought our sweet Trevor home from the hospital we finalized his adoption.  On Friday July 26th we promised to love Trevor as our own.  In some ways it seemed so silly since we already loved him as our own since the day we met him.  But in other ways it was so powerful to promise in front of family and friends to love him forever and sign papers that made him legal our son.

It was another picture of God's redemptive plan for his people through Jesus.  We are adopted into Gods family and loved us as his own.  But then there is this huge powerful moment where the depth and the power of what that means is revealed through the holy spirit.  It is a moment that changes you forever and that is what our day before the judge was, a day that changed us forever.

Ephesians 1:5 "God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ.  This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure."